Understanding & Regulating the Nervous System
Our nervous systems play a major role in both keeping us safe and regulating our emotions. Caring for them is an incredibly important part of healing. In this blog, I’ll talk a bit about how our nervous systems work and offer a few tools for calming and regulating when you find yourself feeling activated.
What exactly does our nervous system do?
Our nervous systems are made up of two main branches:
The Sympathetic Nervous System – This branch activates us and gives us energy to fight or flee in response to danger.
The Parasympathetic Nervous System – This branch helps us restore energy and feel calm.
You may be familiar with the term Fight or Flight, which is often considered the nervous system’s first response to perceived danger. In reality, we have a broader spectrum of responses:
Fight: Confrontation or potential aggression. Can feel like anger, frustration, conflict, or physically defending yourself.
Flight: Escaping or avoiding. Can feel like an urge to run or distract yourself.
Freeze: Feeling paralyzed when fight or flight aren’t an option. Can feel like dissociation, numbness, or being stuck.
Fawn: Appeasing others to stay safe. Can feel like people-pleasing, mediating, or compliance at the cost of your own needs.
Collapse: When the body shuts down to conserve energy in the face of threat. Can feel like exhaustion, hopelessness, or even fainting.
Attach – Seeking connection to feel safe. Can feel like an urge to reach out to others or finding comfort in connection.
Notably, we don’t actually choose these responses. They are involuntary and wired deeply into our nervous systems. Each person’s default response is determined by what their nervous system has learned is most effective in keeping them safe.
Example: Let’s say someone named Judy (she/her) grew up in an unpredictable, volatile household. Her parents frequently criticized her and became angry if she acted outside of their expectations. Over time, Judy’s nervous system learned that agreeing, complying, and being helpful were the safest ways to avoid painful conflict. In other words, Judy learned to fawn in response to criticism.
As an adult, Judy found herself in a similar dynamic with her partner. Whenever her partner became angry or critical, Judy automatically sought to appease them and sacrificed her own needs to maintain peace. Because her nervous system had learned that fawning was the safest response in childhood, it continued to default to this strategy in adulthood.
Impact on the Brain
Have you ever responded to a situation in a way you later regretted or didn’t fully understand? If so, you’re not alone. Our brains don’t always allow for much conscious thought when we encounter perceived danger -- even when the threat is emotional, not physical.
When we perceive danger, the survival-oriented part of our brain scans the situation and allocates the body’s resources accordingly. This scanning process happens outside of our awareness and pulls energy away from the “thinking” parts of our brain. The more activated we are, the less access we have to logical thought, problem-solving, and planning ahead.
This function is helpful when physical safety is at risk, but less helpful when the situation requires thought, reflection, or communication. That’s where regulation tools can come in handy - to help bring our “thinking” brain back online once we know we’re safe.
How to Self-Regulate
Here are a few tools to calm your nervous system when you’re highly activated. I recommend practicing them when you’re not highly activated so they’re easier to recall when you need them.
It’s important to note that these tools are not intended to resolve ongoing sources of trauma or distress. They are short-term strategies for reducing activation when it feels overwhelming. If you’re experiencing chronic distress, please reach out to a trained professional for ongoing support.
Paired Muscle Relaxation – Tense each muscle group for 5 seconds and then release, starting at your toes and moving up to your head. Notice how you feel afterward. Tensing and releasing our muscles in this way can slow our heart rate and breathing, signaling to our brain that we are safe.
Engaging Peripheral Vision – Focus your eyes on a single object. Without moving your eyes, soften your focus and engage your peripheral vision (i.e. try to see both corners of the room that you’re in). Engaging our peripheral vision helps calm our nervous system and signal to our brain that we’re safe as well.
Mammalian Dive Reflex – Use an ice pack or splash very cold water on your face (nose, cheeks, and forehead). This stimulates the mammalian dive reflex, which can slow heart rate and breathing.
4-7-8 Breath – Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds. Repeat at least three times. This technique also helps calm the nervous system through intentional breathing.
Not all of these tools will work for everyone. Try experimenting to see which techniques feel most supportive.
What next?
Because trauma is stored in our bodies and can trigger involuntary responses, true healing often requires addressing the root causes of distress at a pace that feels comfortable and sustainable for you. If you’re seeking deeper support, consider working with a licensed clinician who specializes in trauma and nervous system regulation. In the meantime, I hope these tools help you next time you’re in a pinch and need some help regulating!
References
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (Rev. ed.). Basic Books.
Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.