Cultivating Self-Compassion and Healing After Relationship Abuse
October marks Relationship Violence Awareness Month, an opportunity to raise our collective consciousness around the issue of relationship abuse and the paths toward healing of those who experience it.
This month serves as a reminder of how relational harm in its various forms—physical, emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual—impacts people and communities across all demographics. It is also a time to honor the resilience of survivors, and a reminder that healing is possible.
Whether we have experienced relationship abuse ourselves or know someone who has, we have all likely felt its impacts in some way. Understanding the complexity of these impacts helps us recognize that while leaving an abusive relationship is often viewed as the end of the story, the healing that follows is deeply important and rarely simple or linear.
For many survivors, healing after relational harm can bring on a whole host of complex emotions, from relief, safety, joy, lightness, and freedom to anger, grief, confusion, guilt, isolation, and numbness. For queer and trans survivors especially, there may be safety, support, and comfort in community; there may also be fear of being disregarded, misunderstood, not believed, or even further harmed when reaching out for support.
All this adds up to create a healing process that can be all sorts of things all at once, but is rarely straightforward. It is often complex, deeply personal, and emotionally layered. There is no single “right” way to heal after experiencing harm; no strict timeline and no universal roadmap to follow. Amidst it all, we can learn to hold ourselves with compassion.
While societal messages and systems often rush survivors to “move on,” cultivating self-compassion can offer a radical alternative: to slow down, turn inward, and offer yourself the same care you would extend to someone you love deeply. For queer and trans survivors especially, self-compassion can be a radical act of reclaiming our worth in a world that too often fails to affirm our existence.
Self-Compassion for Survivors
Self-compassion is the practice of offering ourselves kindness instead of criticism, especially when we’re suffering. It means allowing ourselves to be human—to feel pain, to make mistakes, and to take our time. One important thing about self-compassion is that we don’t have to earn it—we are all inherently deserving, just as we are.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field, defines self-compassion as having three components:
Self-kindness – being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate
Common humanity – recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience
Mindfulness – observing our thoughts and feelings with openness and without judgment
For survivors of relationship abuse, self-compassion can be essential. As we heal after harm, we deserve a compassionate approach, acknowledging all the feelings that come up and validating our experiences without judgment.
Experiencing harm can leave us struggling with anxious thoughts, internalized blame, negative self-talk, difficulty trusting others, and many other complex thoughts and feelings. Learning to meet these thoughts with compassion instead of judgment creates space for healing. This can sound like:
● It wasn’t my fault.
● I’m allowed to feel hurt, confused, and angry.
● I am rebuilding my community and sense of self.
● Healing will take time, and that’s okay.
● I am learning to trust myself again.
● I did what I needed to do to survive at the time, and I’m glad I’m here.
● I am whole just as I am, and I am worthy of care and tenderness.
● I did the best I could with what I knew then.
● I didn’t deserve what happened to me.
Everyday Practices for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-compassion can grow in small, consistent acts of care. Here are a few ways to begin:
● Noticing inner criticism or self-blaming thoughts and responding with kindness.
● Allowing difficult emotions—grief, shame, rage—to rise and pass without labeling them as bad or wrong.
● Witnessing your experience with gentleness and nonjudgment when painful memories surface, noticing what you are feeling without needing to change or evaluate anything right away.
● Practicing grounding when you feel overwhelmed—place your feet on the floor, take a breath, and use your senses to focus on the present moment.
● Speaking to yourself kindly. When a harsh thought comes, try responding with a gentler one, even if you don’t fully believe it yet.
● Keeping a compassion journal. At the end of the day, write one kind thing you did for yourself, a message of gratitude to your past self, or something you love about your current or future self.
● Knowing you are allowed to rest, care for yourself, and enjoy moments of peace, safety, and calm.
No matter what your path looks like, you are not alone. Healing after harm in a relationship—especially as a queer, trans, or gender-diverse person—can feel overwhelming. Cultivating self-compassion can be one powerful way to reclaim your sense of agency, safety, and wholeness.
Resources
● The Network/La Red – Support for LGBTQ+ survivors of partner abuse: https://tnlr.org
● FORGE – Healing resources for trans and nonbinary survivors: https://forge-forward.org
● Love is Respect – Information and support for healthy relationships: https://www.loveisrespect.org
